Although I don’t really mean it, sometimes I behave in a way that I think I’m God. Here’s my clue: I feel an increase of anxiety and worry. Shocking, I know, that when I take on the role of God, I feel the weight of the world!

I mentioned in my About Me that I am responsible. Hey, if Strength Finder 2.0 says its true, well then, it must be… I HEART Strength Finder 2.0 but a curse of being Mrs. Responsible is that you take life too seriously. I go to the book of Ecclesiastes every now and then to relieve the pressure valve.

Here’s when I know I have stepped out of my rightful place:

1. I think I am responsible for changing people. I can only sow seeds. I can only say prayers. I can only speak words. I can only act justly. When I think I’m responsible, I always have overkill with people. I try too hard eventually pushing them away.

2. I need the credit. Well, if I need the credit, then I think I did it. We say God use me- give me your words, give me your ideas, give me your resource- but when He uses them through us, we want all the credit. He often tests WHO is getting the credit when He uses you. I want honor for a life well lived, faithful and consistent, not credit that belongs to God.

3. I don’t need other people. Uh, yes, you do. God created us at our best when we are working with other people. We each have a piece of the puzzle. You need to be willing to share your ideas while listening to others.  God’s glory will shine brightest when we do things as a team effort. Lets work together, people. Synergize. It requires a little humility and I’m pretty confident the Bible says that God opposes the proud.

4. I think God will make me great. No, God will be GREAT through you.

5. I worry about things I can’t control. Yes, I do it too. When my first son was 6 months old, I told God that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t trust my child to Him. To which God simply replied, “What other choice do you have?”

When I allow God to be God and me to be me, I’m a much free-er person. Footloose and fancy free, friends. I’m happy to be me, when God is God.

At 12, my brother’s favorite T-shirt had this saying on it. He was known for being lost in the woods, building a fort. I would sneak out to find his latest conquest. I mean what kid doesn’t love a secret hide out?!? But for whatever reason, annoying little sister wasn’t welcome. Go figure. He didn’t fancy himself to sports and academics. But if it broke, he could fix it. The shirt fit him perfectly. I wouldn’t be shocked if he still owns it. It still fits who he is, but I doubt it still fits, if you know what I mean. (Uncalled for, I know. But I took a lot of abuse as the little sister, including being held down while farted on. I deserve a little dishing back every now and then.)

I was a sensitive child. And if I’m being honest, I’m a sensitive adult too. That sensitivity led me to believe, if it broke, it could not be put back. You might could find some glue but it would never be the same.

This is how I spent much of my life viewing conflict. I ran from it, mostly allowing myself to suffer, thinking the pain of private suffering was easier than the pain of breaking what could not be fixed.

I created a people pleasing monster that I have spent my thirties trying to undo. It’s impossible to make everyone happy. Truly, it is. I know, some of you are like, “No bleep, Sherlock!” But some of you are like me, you want to pretend to be from aforementioned camp but you are still desperately trying your best to make everyone happy. You can NOT handle disappointing someone.

Here’s what I have discovered as I am trying to recover. I genuinely enjoy seeing someone else happy. I don’t mind giving up my way if it makes you happy. I feel the happiest when those I love are happy. I suppose that is why I’m easy going. There is nothing wrong with this quality. It’s admirable.

The problem is when you give up our own happiness to make others happy. When you begin to sacrifice your family’s well being, your emotional health, and your personal plot in life that God has assigned you. That is when conflict needs to happen.

The right conflict leads to healthy boundaries (Read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud). The right conflict breaks what needs fixing. The right conflict strengthens your allies and weakens your enemies.

The problem is most of us are afraid of what conflict will expose about ourselves. The scariest part of conflict is discovering you were wrong about something. The greatest fear is me breaking beyond fixing.

The secret is that our breaking is what fixes us. If He breaks it, He can fix it.

Ever feel like an idiot?!?

I could of titled it, “I’m Back!” But how predictable and utterly not true. It’s the disappointment at the revelation that I have let years go by and done no significant writing. No offense, but I don’t write for you. I write for me. I write because somewhere in getting it out, I begin to see the trace of God. Like glitter on a page, I splatter but He laid the glue of the message you will read.

Somehow in my ramblings, mumbo-jumbos and blah blah blah, I pray you hear God’s message.

I’m sorry I haven’t done what the voice I cannot hear with my ears has been telling me to do. That apology is to God and I’m back at the beginning. Feeling like an idiot. Here I am again.

The good news is apparently 2 years ago when I was writing I wrote some pretty great blogs that I was too afraid of what my audience might think. I’m a hot mess, seriously. When you read your own writing that you can’t remember writing, its a pretty cool experience. It’s like writing letters to yourself from the past yet eerily they reflect your future.

Good news is that I’m back logged with about 10 bite sized articles and I will begin to release them.

A little info on where I’ve been. I had a dream about 5 years back that a small, narrow but intense tornado entered my home full of people, did no damage but stood directly over me. I was convinced it would ruin me but then it was gone. I had my eyes closed and hunkered down as any reasonable person would do in this situation but I could hear the voices of those present. They expressed awe and I could hear the utterances like, “Look what God had done.”

I looked up what tornadoes represented and it was emotional distress. Yippee. Just what everyone hopes their dreams are full of. I’ve been in the thick of years of overdue emotional stress (you know all the stuff that you want to avoid) that has radically transformed me from the inside out. I’m not the same person who wrote two years ago and I am fired up about it!

So, there will be more to come. Thankfully, I haven’t had any more tornado dreams lately. But how oddly grateful you feel when its all over because the warmth of the sun is so radiant, so brilliant and you see everything different.

Here’s to new beginnings. The truth that anything can be made new is the greatest news I’ve ever heard! Let that sink in today.

Setting goals or resolutions has never been my favorite part of a New Year. It’s setting myself up for failure and as a perfectionist, coping with failure is top of my “Don’t Do This” list. So this year I’m doing it different.

Setting goals is about having something measurable that you can pat yourself on the back when you proudly check done. Beating our will into submission, we begin but at the first whiff of skipping a day or two towards our measurable goal, we wallow in disappointment never picking back up where we left off.

I have a shameful secret. I’m not a great reader. I enjoy reading. I just don’t enjoy books. I’m surrounded by do good-ers who effortlessly throw out authors and titles of their last read like it was a great glass of wine they had with dinner last night. I nod my head like I fit in but stay suspiciously quiet. (the lack of words makes you appear wise)

Every year with the New Year, I think I should set a goal to read more books. By the end of the year, I’m wondering if I can count The Cat in the Hat, Lil Cannot Miss, and Guess How Much I Love You. Don’t be deceived. I do read every day but typically its at a second grade level.

Instead of setting myself up for another embarrassing defeat, I am making a new kind of resolution this year. It is measurable and attainable and it will get me reading more. But it takes a different approach.

One of my goals this year is to discover 3 topics that I enjoy reading about. I mean, I can’t put down the book. Who else can tell me what lights my soul on fire but me. I believe if it does it will add energy to every area of my life.

I discovered this when I read a 5th grade book on Albert Einstein this year. I was riveted by his life and relativity theory. I read it several times and talked about it to everyone I know. You could call me geek cause I didn’t care. My desire to know more was far greater than what other’s thought or what had to be put aside to know more.

Maybe for you its organizational behavior, apologetics, music theory, astronomy, child rearing, party planning, gardening… the greatness is that you decide.

This can be applied to many types of goals to set you up for success. Maybe you need to develop a list of 15 foods that are healthy which you love. Figure out how to eat them instead of unhealthy choices. Eat till you are full, just the right foods, and see if you have better success with weight loss goals.

Life isn’t about doing what we want all the time. But maybe if we did what we want more often, doing what we shouldn’t would feel a little easier.

Prov 29:18 “Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law.”
OR
Find revelation, find restraint and be happy!

I’m on the flight back from Las Vegas, after visiting the Grand Canyon. (Warning: if pics annoy, stop reading now.) We were delayed an hour and a half which means I don’t get to kiss my babies good night. Although I’ve done this task countless times before, the loss of just one time makes my heart sad knowing these moments are limited.

It’s how life goes sometimes and accepting that which I cannot change is one great secret of happiness, I suppose.

I’ve seen something majestic over the last few days. We walked 6 miles yesterday observing every possible angle and peak we could soak in. We never stopped feeling awe.

I didn’t understand how desperately my soul needed what the Grand Canyon was selling.

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If I knew the ending before I started, it would change the way I feel about what I have to do. I’m sure I would run with more gusto, whistle with each step. I would already know all the pitfalls and how I would rise from them. What would change if I already knew what happened tomorrow? I suppose it would have made my last few days better.

Zig Ziglar said that motivation was like taking a bath, you need it daily. Yeah, I can understand that.

This is what happens when Dad gives them a bath.

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Sheer panic, as I frantically look for her pacifier. I’m running late.

She is impatiently demanding and you feel the pressure build, knowing the tantrum will  only worsen if this paci is not found. I have checked my purse, crawled in to search the floor, felt under her bottom, patted under the car seat, back to the purse…no luck. So I step back and reassess. I’m frustrated, “I just had it!”. In my hand, is my car keys and sunglasses. I check my pockets again, front and back. All the while continuing to scan around the car seat certain I overlooked it.

Exasperated, I give up, knowing it will be an intolerable ride. “I’ve got to go!” Get in the drivers seat, put down my phone and sunglasses, remove the keys from my fingers only to notice there is still something dangling.

Five minutes of precious time wasted, an abundance of adrenaline pumped into my system, an overall annoyance in my words with my daughter and it was on my ring finger the whole time.

Looking for something I had all along. This is the story of my life. Continue reading →

Yes, that’s right. I said, Ugh!

Boys built a bridge to the rock out back. Good for the soul.

Work, be still, work, rest, sleep (enough but not too much), exercise, work, celebrate, be merry and work. Yes, its all in there. In between Genesis to Revelation, its all in there. Do it all. (Thankfully, so is drinking wine but its best to limit that to the celebrating and being merry part.)

Doing it ALL in the correct proportions is the hard part. That’s why I Ugh!

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The week was unusually unkind. Coming into the weekend, spending time with the family felt like that necessary home base to regroup and escape the ways of the outside world if at least for a few days.

Saturday night, at 4:30pm, I texted some friends. It was just a shot in the dark but does anyone want to come over? By 6pm my house was full with three families and pizzas. It didn’t matter that toys were scattered, beds were unmade or that stinky trash needed to be taken out. We greeted with hugs, fell right in where we left off and the kids entertained themselves. It was community to us and it was the finishing touch to the re-strengthening our hearts needed in order to engage battle again.

This is how community has been for me. Belonging to a community has always required something of me, but in return it offers protection, provision and plenty of great memories.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of the challenges and insecurities that arise when getting acquainted with a new community. Please, I beg of you, let my mistakes help you.

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I can really tell you about my life and the special things that have happened in the past few years. One of the things that have happened besides I have to tell you my name and my age. My name is Joseph and I am 7. I no it is kind of surprising that I am writing a story or a blog.

And one of the things that is very important in my life is that God spoke to me in one way. And that is in a book. It said, “Keep on trying.” Reader keep on trying. It told me to keep on trying soccer because skills is hard.

I like how He did that. Because that in the future I will become a great soccer player and a great sports player.