Sheer panic, as I frantically look for her pacifier. I’m running late.

She is impatiently demanding and you feel the pressure build, knowing the tantrum will  only worsen if this paci is not found. I have checked my purse, crawled in to search the floor, felt under her bottom, patted under the car seat, back to the purse…no luck. So I step back and reassess. I’m frustrated, “I just had it!”. In my hand, is my car keys and sunglasses. I check my pockets again, front and back. All the while continuing to scan around the car seat certain I overlooked it.

Exasperated, I give up, knowing it will be an intolerable ride. “I’ve got to go!” Get in the drivers seat, put down my phone and sunglasses, remove the keys from my fingers only to notice there is still something dangling.

Five minutes of precious time wasted, an abundance of adrenaline pumped into my system, an overall annoyance in my words with my daughter and it was on my ring finger the whole time.

Looking for something I had all along. This is the story of my life.

Born as an infant I had basic needs of food, shelter and love. This is said to be universally true about babies. I didn’t have any understanding of what love looked like but I needed it. As I grew, I discovered love was imperfect only knowing it through human limitation. People will always love imperfectly. Their best efforts won’t be enough.

Since I didn’t understand how to get what I needed from love, I tried to earn their love. Never disappoint, always do what asked, exceed the expectations. It seemed to work for a while, until I got tired which made me afraid and closed off.

Then, I became resentful because what I had offered wasn’t enough. I decided to get out, break free, and move on. Grateful I was done with being abused and used. I thought I had won and life would approve. But wherever you go, you are sure to show up.

Show up I did, to understand that my needs had not been met despite all the trying. I had frantically searched for it through the approval of others, through self preservation, through out working and out doing. But when you get to the end after doing it all, trying it all, only to still not have what was needed all along. You are desperate, broken, confused willing to see something you haven’t seen before.

It was then, that I saw. I had held it inside me all this time. The need I felt wasn’t really a need at all. It was simply a hole and He held the key. He could reach in and pull out what He needed when He needed. That I truly was enough for God. And He was enough for me.

I’ve held it all along. The pieces in life my heart has cried out for. The love and acceptance, the gifts that make me unique, the purpose, the timing, even the understanding to see what I need to see when I need to see it.

This is the story of my life.

I’m tired of feeling faint- certain I’ve missed it, misplaced it or arrived too late. It’s exhausting wondering if a vaccine, fast food, a wrong relationship, time misspent, a poor decision, can rob me of what is supposedly already mine.

It takes revelation to see. God given revelation. And it comes in parts, not in whole. It requires putting down what is in your hands to see what is left. It often proceeds a certain brokenness or weariness. God isn’t mean, its just that we are human. Our hearts aren’t open to receive until our defenses are moved out of the way.

He gently removes them with grace to reveal His love. Its hard to comprehend because I’ve never experienced it before. No one else can separate what I have done or what they see about me from how they feel for me.

Oh God, help me. With that kind of love, I no longer have to be afraid. Without fear, I can do anything. But fear is still toying with me, grabbing at my throat, causing sheer panic. Oh God, I know I hold your love but why can’t I see it?!?

Looking for something I had all along. This is the story of my life.