At 12, my brother’s favorite T-shirt had this saying on it. He was known for being lost in the woods, building a fort. I would sneak out to find his latest conquest. I mean what kid doesn’t love a secret hide out?!? But for whatever reason, annoying little sister wasn’t welcome. Go figure. He didn’t fancy himself to sports and academics. But if it broke, he could fix it. The shirt fit him perfectly. I wouldn’t be shocked if he still owns it. It still fits who he is, but I doubt it still fits, if you know what I mean. (Uncalled for, I know. But I took a lot of abuse as the little sister, including being held down while farted on. I deserve a little dishing back every now and then.)

I was a sensitive child. And if I’m being honest, I’m a sensitive adult too. That sensitivity led me to believe, if it broke, it could not be put back. You might could find some glue but it would never be the same.

This is how I spent much of my life viewing conflict. I ran from it, mostly allowing myself to suffer, thinking the pain of private suffering was easier than the pain of breaking what could not be fixed.

I created a people pleasing monster that I have spent my thirties trying to undo. It’s impossible to make everyone happy. Truly, it is. I know, some of you are like, “No bleep, Sherlock!” But some of you are like me, you want to pretend to be from aforementioned camp but you are still desperately trying your best to make everyone happy. You can NOT handle disappointing someone.

Here’s what I have discovered as I am trying to recover. I genuinely enjoy seeing someone else happy. I don’t mind giving up my way if it makes you happy. I feel the happiest when those I love are happy. I suppose that is why I’m easy going. There is nothing wrong with this quality. It’s admirable.

The problem is when you give up our own happiness to make others happy. When you begin to sacrifice your family’s well being, your emotional health, and your personal plot in life that God has assigned you. That is when conflict needs to happen.

The right conflict leads to healthy boundaries (Read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud). The right conflict breaks what needs fixing. The right conflict strengthens your allies and weakens your enemies.

The problem is most of us are afraid of what conflict will expose about ourselves. The scariest part of conflict is discovering you were wrong about something. The greatest fear is me breaking beyond fixing.

The secret is that our breaking is what fixes us. If He breaks it, He can fix it.

Ever feel like an idiot?!?

I could of titled it, “I’m Back!” But how predictable and utterly not true. It’s the disappointment at the revelation that I have let years go by and done no significant writing. No offense, but I don’t write for you. I write for me. I write because somewhere in getting it out, I begin to see the trace of God. Like glitter on a page, I splatter but He laid the glue of the message you will read.

Somehow in my ramblings, mumbo-jumbos and blah blah blah, I pray you hear God’s message.

I’m sorry I haven’t done what the voice I cannot hear with my ears has been telling me to do. That apology is to God and I’m back at the beginning. Feeling like an idiot. Here I am again.

The good news is apparently 2 years ago when I was writing I wrote some pretty great blogs that I was too afraid of what my audience might think. I’m a hot mess, seriously. When you read your own writing that you can’t remember writing, its a pretty cool experience. It’s like writing letters to yourself from the past yet eerily they reflect your future.

Good news is that I’m back logged with about 10 bite sized articles and I will begin to release them.

A little info on where I’ve been. I had a dream about 5 years back that a small, narrow but intense tornado entered my home full of people, did no damage but stood directly over me. I was convinced it would ruin me but then it was gone. I had my eyes closed and hunkered down as any reasonable person would do in this situation but I could hear the voices of those present. They expressed awe and I could hear the utterances like, “Look what God had done.”

I looked up what tornadoes represented and it was emotional distress. Yippee. Just what everyone hopes their dreams are full of. I’ve been in the thick of years of overdue emotional stress (you know all the stuff that you want to avoid) that has radically transformed me from the inside out. I’m not the same person who wrote two years ago and I am fired up about it!

So, there will be more to come. Thankfully, I haven’t had any more tornado dreams lately. But how oddly grateful you feel when its all over because the warmth of the sun is so radiant, so brilliant and you see everything different.

Here’s to new beginnings. The truth that anything can be made new is the greatest news I’ve ever heard! Let that sink in today.